It has always been important that children establish their identity. From the time kids are young, they are being formed in a host of ways and gradually coming to terms with who they are and who they will become. Historically, identity arose from outside—from the people they came from, the place they were born, and the expectations of parents and community. An innovation of the modern West is that identity is now expected to come from within. Identity is meant to be determined by the self rather than anyone or anything else.
Today’s children and teens are feeling immense pressure to determine their own identity. Their parents are feeling the pressure as well—the pressure of needing their children to decide who they will be as they grow older and become independent. Christian parents are feeling the pressure of helping their children find an identity that is consistent with God’s design for their children and with God’s design for humanity. This is the subject of Jonathan Holmes’ new book Grounded in Grace—a tremendously helpful book for parents and anyone else who influences children and teens as they grow in their self-understanding.
Our children are under enormous pressure to figure out who they are in an environment and culture that is sending them conflicting messages.
“Stand out, and be who you want to be!” but on the flip side we don’t like who you are choosing to be and we’re going to make fun of you for it.
“Live your own truth, and don’t let anyone take that away from you!” but if someone else’s truth contradicts “your truth,” our teens are told that those individuals are dangerous and toxic.
“Who cares what other people think about you? You do you!” but you do need to care what other people think about you because you need their approval.
So where should children turn? Holmes wants them to turn to Scripture with the help of their parents (primarily, but also pastors, and other mentors) to begin to form an identity that is rooted in an understanding of who God is, the purpose for which he has created us, and what he means for us to be. “My hope is that parents can understand the challenges our kids are facing related to developing, maintaining, and resting in their identity. However, the contents of this book will be beneficial for a variety of individuals who are teaching and discipling children and teens: youth workers, Sunday school teachers, Christian school workers, and Christian counselors.”
He begins the book by looking at different ways identity is formed—the traditional and the contemporary. Today’s parents probably grew up around the tail end of the dominance of the traditional way so may fail to understand some of the pressures their children are facing today. Yet Holmes is not so naive as to believe the traditional view is without its flaws, so he helps parents see where they may pressure their children in ways that may seem intuitive and superior but are still unhelpful.
Having done that, he looks at five different areas where kids and teens tend to struggle with their identity. He looks at academics, sports, moralism, gender, and sexuality. The first three represent areas in which kids begin to build their identity on what they do—their performance in the classroom, sports field, or church. The final two represent areas in which kids begin to build their identity on what they feel about their gender or their sexual longings.
What Holmes advocates is building an identity on the gospel rather than anything that arises from performance or feelings. “What we need to pass on to our children … is an identity that is received and not achieved. A gospel identity comes from outside of us and relies on the unchanging, steadfast words of a God who is the final authority. We do nothing to earn God’s approval. He creates us in his image, redeems us from sin, and brings us into his family. The identity he gives us is bigger than ourselves, more permanent than anything we could ever imagine, and true today and forever regardless of our circumstances or situations.” Not surprisingly, yet counterintuitively for the modern generation, it is when kids focus on discovering God’s purpose and intention for their lives, as revealed in his Word, that matters of identity come into focus and become resolved. “When we focus our energies and passion on discovering what God has called us to do, our very identity often takes care of itself as we find our meaning and purpose in him. What an amazing truth that we can pass along and live out before our children.”
With lots of illustrations and many insights originating from his counseling practice, Holmes offers a book that will be a tremendous blessing to today’s parents. It will help them help themselves as they teach their children about this matter of identity and it will help them help their children as they ground their self-understanding in something so much more lasting than performance and something so much more enduring than feelings. It will help parents help their children establish their identity in the gospel of Jesus Christ and the work he has accomplished on our behalf. I am thankful that Holmes has written this book and gladly commend it to all parents.
