Marriage brings us many joys. But since it exists in this world and not some other, it also brings its share of sorrows. It is like everything else in that way—there are times we marvel at its beauties and times we lament its difficulties. A divine gift that was meant to be only good is now attended with sore struggles and many griefs.
When Aileen and I were about to be married, we were told to ready ourselves to face those three most common sources of marital discord: money, sex, and in-laws. Yet as time has gone by and as our marriage has matured, I have learned there are foes far more insidious than these—foes that creep up on me in quiet moments and lurk around me on hard days, that are on my mind as I pray for my marriage and on my heart as I confess my shortcomings.
The greatest challenges to my marriage haven’t come from without but from within. The greatest discouragements haven’t stemmed from circumstances but from character. The greatest difficulties haven’t arisen from other people but from myself. I have learned that the greatest enemies of my marriage are the unholy trinity of me, myself, and I. When I consider my marriage with honesty and with whatever humility I can muster up, I have to admit that it’s me.
Sure, our relationships with our parents have been challenging from time to time, but not nearly as challenging as the reality that I have grown so much less than I would have thought, would have hoped, and have even intended. Money has often brought opportunities to bicker and disagree, but not nearly as many as my own gracelessness and short-temperedness. And sex—well, every married couple can attest that for all its pleasure and significance, sex also causes many struggles. But aren’t most of those struggles less about satisfaction than about sanctification, less about the longings of our bodies and more about the demands of our idols? All these external challenges simply prod the internal enemies that are always so ready to be provoked.
I wasn’t hopelessly naive going into marriage and never believed it would only ever be easy. But what has taken me aback is that my greatest griefs would come from within, from my own lack of love, my own lack of gratitude, my own lack of sanctification.
It has surprised me that I wouldn’t marvel every day at the incredible honor it is that Aileen was willing to join her life to mine, willing to take on my name, willing to pass through this life with me at her side. It has surprised me that I would so often think so little of the gift that God entrusted to me in one of his precious daughters. It has surprised me that I would so often choose my own comfort ahead of her comfort, that I would so often follow the desires of my heart instead of ceding to the desires of hers. It has surprised me that I would so often contend against her instead of loving her, assume the worst instead of the best, and act in frustration rather than compassion. Neither money, nor sex, nor in-laws have brought near the trouble to my marriage than the enemies who have always been hidden in plain sight.
Neither money, nor sex, nor in-laws have brought near the trouble to my marriage than the enemies who have always been hidden in plain sight.
Yet I do not despair. I serve a God who forgives and am married to a woman who does the same. I follow a God who is patient with my shortcomings and I live with a woman who imitates him in that way. I am grateful that both he and she provide opportunity for me to grow, to become who I long to be. I rejoice when I see evidences of God’s sanctifying grace that is molding and shaping me.
And so my counsel to those who are young and considering marriage or those who are just entering into marriage is this: Your marriage will inevitably come under attack. It will face many concerted onslaughts. And while it is good to be aware of the enemies that will approach from outside, you would be remiss to ignore the enemies that already exist on the inside—the enemies that lurk with your own heart, your own mind, your own longings and desires. And I am quite certain the day will come when you will admit: the most vicious enemies of all have been me, myself, and I.
