God’s purpose in marriage is not to make us happy but to make us holy. Or so we have all been told. The truth is more complicated, of course, and I’m quite certain God means for marriage to cover both. The old Anglican liturgy says marriage “was ordained for the mutual society, help, and comfort, that the one ought to have of the other, both in prosperity and adversity.” I like that—fellowship, help, and comfort. Those words seem to cover it all.
When we think of the ways that marriage can make us holy, we probably imagine scenarios that are peaceful and proactive. We imagine sitting side by side to study God’s Word together or gathering our family around the dinner table to read, pray, and sing. Perhaps we imagine our spouse bringing a gentle word of rebuke to address a sin we haven’t yet spotted or, if spotted, haven’t yet acknowledged and dealt with. And hopefully, all of these are part of a Christian marriage! Yet what we probably don’t imagine is the more difficult ways that marriage will provide the opportunities to become holy.
Husband, you will have the opportunity to grow in holiness as your wife behaves immaturely, as she responds with outrage instead of grace or with anger instead of patience. You will witness her act unfairly toward you and ungraciously toward your children. She may go through stretches of time when she grows complacent about sanctification and decides to let sin just run its course in parts of her life. And all the while you will need to determine how you will respond, how you will continue to bear with her flaws, how you will meet sin with love. You will need to determine what it looks like in these moments to love your wife like Christ loves his church.
Wife, you will have the opportunity to grow in holiness as your husband criticizes you unjustly or pesters you to embrace a standard that is his but not God’s. He will at times lead you poorly and at times lead your family selfishly. He will sometimes want to be intimate with you in moments when it is unfair to even ask and then sulk when you decline. He will sometimes ask you to submit when submission is inadvisable or unfair. He will go through stretches when he is bad-tempered and thoughtless and abrasive. And you will need to consider how you will love him in these times, how you will continue to remain sweet when he is sour. You will need to determine what it looks like in these moments to love him without enabling him and to honor him without coddling his sin.
And besides your spouse’s sins, there are also your spouses’s weaknesses—areas that are not sinful but are still difficult and frustrating. You will grow in holiness by tolerating quirks and habits and by not allowing every frustration to boil to the surface. And then there are your spouse’s afflictions—illnesses, infirmities, and frailties. More sanctification may come by being a caregiver to your spouse than ever came by being a lover. Each of them represents a means through which you will be challenged to be holy or unholy, sanctified or unsanctified, to battle sin or foster evil.
I have observed that the couples who endure with joy are most often the couples who embrace one another as a complex bundle of strengths and weaknesses, helps and hurts, joys and sorrows, and who set their expectations for marriage accordingly. They are each more concerned with their own holiness than their spouse’s, each quicker to embrace an opportunity to overlook a sin than to confront one, each eager to forgive in the ways they’ve been forgiven by God. They are not dismayed when their spouse disappoints them or sins against them but are challenged to love all the more. They do not retaliate when sinned against but extend mercy, grace, and love.
Marriage does, indeed, give us many opportunities to peacefully and proactively grow in holiness. But being the kind of people we are, it also gives us opportunities to love despite being treated poorly, to care despite being treated unfairly, and to be devoted despite receiving little in return. And it is especially in moments and situations like these that God shapes us, molds us, and makes us more like him. It is especially in moments and situations like these that we put on the greatest of all attributes: the love of God.
For another take on this subject, see my previous article The Great Challenge of Every Marriage
